8/8/96 - Jilted at the club

[We've all had nights like the one described below. I'd just come back from a disastrous night with Matt "Call Me!" Cleary. It's a classic piece of self-pity, so skip if you've ever written or read a similar piece and can't stand to see it again.]

2:00 AM - 8/8/96 - 1810 Chapala

So many thoughts, it's hard to know where to begin. You can't lavish love on someone who isn't ready to accept it.

It's not not even love, not in the always and forever sense. It's just that Matt and I had such an intense night Thursday that I felt like making a grand gesture. Hence, the roses.

Tonight, I was supposed to pick him up at 10. I was feeling antsy, so I showed up at 9:30, and he made me go away and come back at 10. So, I drove around for a half hour, and then we went to Fathom. On the way there, we didn't really have anything to say to each other. We danced a lot, drank quite a bit too.

[Judging from my penmanship, I was still drunk when I wrote this. Probably sobbing, too.]

Ow. I'm in pain right now, in spite of the fact that I've known that I wasn't ready to give myself to him in any real way. He's got a lot of problems and quirks that I don't particularly like.

It's me, of course. In the final analysis, what I'm really on about is Sally's [from "When Harry Met Sally"] "What's the matter with ME?" Whether it's Robbie, James, or Matt, it all comes down to a horribly self-centered self-pity and self-loathing that I don't find very easy to face.

The thing is, they're all so fucked up that it's not fair to judge myself by their rejection of me. But I can't HELP it!

My logical mind tells me I'm well shut of these guys, for all their problems. But what about MY problems? Something drove each of them away, and it can't be all THEIR shit. James was making out with some guy last week, and Matt was getting ready to put the moves on someone TONIGHT, as our whole whatever-it-was was going on. So back to "they didn't want to ____ ME."

[The whole quote from "When Harry Met Sally," when Meg Ryan's character sobs that her ex is getting married, goes something like: "It's not that he didn't want to get married, it's that he didn't want to marry ME! What's the matter with ME?" I hate Meggie-poo now, but Jessica and I loved that movie and could quote scene after scene.]

I need to MOVE. I need a fresh start. It's impossible here. Yes, there are proportionally just as many fucked up people in the Bay Area as here [boy, ain't it the truth!], but they don't ALL know each other! And, there's more choice.

But, WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR?!?!?!?! With every one of these guys, I get too clingy too fast. Learn something from this summer, you dork!

Fuck, I hate the thought that I have to ration the expression of true feelings. "Don't show too much, or it's over." What the hell kind of way is THAT to run a romance?

I just reread what I just wrote and feel a bit better. I AM too good for this shit. It's time to be a grown-up. Hay mucho mas pescados en el mar. [There are many more fish in the sea.]

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