8/14/96 - Pep talk among the ruins

12:25 AM - 8/14/96 - 1810 Chapala

I'm just racing thru this journal. Appropriate, since my mind is racing like I'm on something. I'm jumping from topic to topic, every lil' thing currently causing me anxiety taking its turn at bat.

Lonely. Disappointed with recent affairettes, disappointed in my friends, lonely-in-anticipation at losing my family's love.

Scared. Of moving. Of poverty. Of alcoholism. Of disease. Of loneliness. Of a life out of control.

I can't believe I just wrote the "A" word. My parents drink too much. Grandma drinks too much. Poppa drank too much. Most people I know either drink too much or smoke too much pot. The only person I know who doesn't anesthetize himself on a daily basis is Max. I feel like this is something I can still get a handle on...but it's still scary.

Also, I'm in a weird food-binging period. After starving myself for so long, my body is rebelling. I suppose I'll be OK if I buy lots of fat-free stuff and keep exercising, but I worked too hard getting rid of the weight to get it back so quickly.

Cast out fear. Bill, you've have pulled off some extraordinary feats in your life. Even in dishonesty, you've shown incredible cojones. Draw on whatever daring led you, and make the next couple of months WORK.

While in Santa Barbara:

1. Spend little: You've got enough *things* (buy some socks, and get that free Structure watch, though), and money's TIGHT.

2. Enough partying: Fathom has led to some interesting times, but summer has peaked. Don't cut yourself off completely, but no more hungover-zombie days at work.

3. No more affairettes. I'm tempted to say no sex, but let's get real...BUT no more "why hasn't he called" bullshit. No more emotional investment in this town's gay scene.

4. Focus on the move. Call Pete tomorrow. Call NavTech before going up to the Bay Area. Save what money you can.

5. Health: Drinking already addressed. You can't afford more pot. Exercise. Try to control the eating *without* driving yourself crazy.

[This entry shows what a fucked up little camper I was. That stuff about the fat-free food scares me. You'll see what success I had with any of these resolutions as we continue.]

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