8/26/96 - Reunion, Part 2

8/26/96 (cont.) - 1810 Chapala

The morning after the reunion, I did have a bit of a hangover, but Susanna looked much worse when she came over with photos from the night before. She who claimed never to have been hungover most definitely was

Later - The Earthling

Too warm in the apt., and too warm inside the Earthling, so I'm sitting outside, sharing a table with an Earth-mama/biker-mama who looks like she's done time at both truck stops and ashrams. Max and I never come here anymore; it's just not a summer thing to do.

I had a pleasant, do-nothing visit with Mom after the reunion. (Well, we did walk around the block.) It's only agonizing talking to her half the time, knowing how hurt she's going to be when I finally tell her [about not graduating.] The rest of the time, it's happy and laid-back, which makes the bad times even worse, knowing the good times will go away one day. There is just no way she is going to forgive me. Funny how I don't worry so much about everybody else. I mean, I know Kate, Mike, Dad, Grandma, and even some friends, are going to be shocked and disappointed, but Mom's emotional fragility is the biggest deal here. There's just no way to make this problem go away.

[In the interest of thoroughness, I've been transcribing all this guilt, though it's pretty heavy going for me in 2000. While this issue hasn't been resolved with my family, the failure of any confrontation to materialize has reduced the urgency of this to almost nil. I've moved on to another sort of life in which it doesn't matter too much. Funny how the agony I was feeling is so like the agony over coming out. At the time of the S.B. Diaries, I'd been out to my parents for over five years, and while they weren't thrilled, they'd been gracious, at least, when they met Ben. And now, John is like a member of the family.]

I drove back down to S.B. without stopping again in S.F., as I told Sean I might do. It had been a long weekend (counting Thursday's lost day of hooky), and I was still a bit down about the traumatic discovery I made Saturday morning: the outfit I'd spent over $300 on at Macy's had been taken from my car. I left the doors unlocked while staying at Rafe's. On the way up to Sonoma, I had stop at the mall in Corte Madera and buy ANOTHER outfit. I was so mad at myself and at the city, I didn't even want to go to the damn reunion. How could I have been so stupid to spend that much, and leave my doors unlocked?

It didn't ruin my weekend, but the nagging reminder of how shaky my financial position is was brought home again, and hovered over me the whole time. (Mix those metaphors, Girla!) HOW am I going to finance this move, pray tell? What do I think I'm doing?

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