9/6/96 - Butch fantasy

[Here follows a peculiar drunken entry. I'll see if I can transcribe it in a way that makes sense.]

9/6/96 - 1810 Chapala

In vino veritas: It is NOT one of my aspirations to have someone call me "buddy." Si faux hetero.

Further elaboration: Max just received an answering machine message from someone who who addresses him as "buddy."From what I know of Max's homoerotic rubric, this is a butch code word.

[Max was big in the personal-ads-and-phone-sex game at this time. There were times when the phone was tied up for hours in the evening. I found his ads a couple of times in various rags, and he was invariably looking for butch guys, "not into the scene," often in uniform. He even described himself as "outdoorsy." Sorry, but "outdoorsy" is NOT an outdoorsy word, if you know what I mean. Sure, Max, after you and I finish reading the Sunday Times over beignets and cappuccino, buy jicama and cherimoya at the farmers market, and spend 45 minutes each primping on a Sunday, you're gonna go meet a UPS driver for some hot sex? It doesn't scan.]

I guess I prefer to date within my own species. I LIKE gay men. Max is a gay man, but would rather date straight guys. It's a big ol' fantasy world of which I want NO PART. It's astounding to me that he stayed attached to George as long as he did (does? What DO they do in bed these days?), since G. is as gay as they come.

I'm attracted to gay men. While I will, of course, fool around w/almost anything that comes along [whooo, slut!], I prefer a well-rounded guy. Yes, Ben, blah blah blah, but as a preference, husband material, I want somebody resembling me. I'm not sure about Max: he seems to want to perpetuate his particular fantasy.

I don't think, finally, that a fantasy is any way to live your life.

[I remember to this day thinking what a revelation this was. What-ever. I wonder how people's legitimate attempts to re-create themselves, which is a big theme here in San Francisco, relates to "living in fantasy." When does dreaming stop you from living?]

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