10/1/96 - 50 Ways (S.F. 2)

10/1/96 - cont.

...I felt frustrated that I couldn't focus on preparing for the move because so much of my time and energy was being spent on him. (I also felt this way when Rafe and Antonio arrived: if I could've had ONE night to myself those last four or five days!)

What did (do) Gary and I share, and what does it add up to? We had passion, great sexual chemistry (even if the actual act didn't always gel), and some things in common, which is better than most of my romantic entanglements. He's also been more obviously crazy about me than anyone has been in a long time. It was even more obvious, in some ways, than it was with Ben.

But, even when we were together, and happy, I know my mind wandered to what I saw as his drawbacks. I hesitate to write them out, they'll look so petty on paper, more revelatory of my own frailties than his. There were aspects of his personality and lifestyle which I don't think I could have borne over time. I just don't feel like getting more specific than that. [My friend Violet says she can tell why she and any new man she sees will break up within three dates. Pretty fatalistic, but it's the truth.]

So, what should I do now? A long-distance commitment is out of the question: the doubts I feel might've (OK, would've) precluded such a commitment even if I was staying in S.B.

I'm gonna have to admit it to myself: I have to end it. I've got too much to do here, and I'm not just not In Love with him. How, how, how?!?!?! I can't just stop leaving him voice mails while he's in Dallas. That "I love you" was a mistake.

I guess it's gonna have to be a letter. A looooong letter, delivered after I move my stuff up here. This is gonna be hard, it's nothing I've ever had to do. Just another first at this eventful time in my life?

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