10/1/96 - San Francisco Part 1

[You'll be fascinated to know that I finished the previous paper journal at the same time that I was getting ready to move. It was one of those blank books you can pick up at any bookstore, with a cloth cover in plaid. My new diary, which I picked up at Flax (a great store) the same day of today's entry, has kelly green cardboard covers and is ring-bound, rather than book-bound like the plaid journal. I'm left handed, and the rings cut into my hand. I began, therefore, to write every other page upside down. Try to contain your excitement.]

10/1/96 - Jumpin' Java - SAN FRANCISCO!!!!

This cafe was voted "Best Place To Pick Up A Gay Nerd" in last year's Bay Guardian "Best of San Francisco" poll, but so far, all I see are a lot of intent men (and one woman) of indeterminate orientation who don't seem all THAT nerdy. More like Espresso Roma in Isla Vista on a summer Saturday.

Well, I'm here. I can't believe that after so many false starts, I finally made the leap and am moving to San Francisco. There isn't so much shock (or hasn't been in the two days I've been here), I guess because of all the visits in the past year. Only today can I honestly say it feels different from just another weekend trip from Santa Barbara.

Some impressions (nothing I didn't already know, but this is my home now.):

-It's cold. I forgot to bring a jacket and am subsisting on flannels. The sun actually came out this afternoon, but I doubt it reached 70 degrees, even in the Castro, where I was warmest.

Rafe had the windows in his apartment flung open, and wore only a t-shirt. A biting draft was coming in, and he said he wasn't cold. On the walk here, I felt colder than I have since a very few winter nights in Santa Barbara last year. I assume I'll get used to the temperature change, but I guess the shorts I brought for this two weeks' stay are superfluous

- Driving is hell. Besides the ongoing problem with my battery (which I hope has been solved by the recharge at the 76 station at 1st & Harrison), and my bad brakes, I'm going to have to decide whether a car is worth the hassle in this city. Yes, it was rush hour, but it took me 30 minutes to go the approximately two miles (as the filthy pigeon flies) from the aformentioned service station and Waller between Webster and Fillmore (about three blocks from Rafe's place), where I finally found parking. [Three blocks? I lucked out!]

- The expense. This is more because I've gotten all my meals out, but I've been going thru mucho dinero on food. I know, it'll be better once I go grocery shopping, and I can see the return of salads for dinner will help, and I won't be buying journals and address books every day...but I can't keep going thru $-- a day. I don't know if it's more expensive here yet. I'm just worried about finances in general, I guess.

So far, it's not as different as I thought it would be. Watched "Murphy Brown" and "Cybill" last night, and "Roseanne" tonight, just as if I were in S.B. This isn't real life yet, so I guess I'm just grasping for familiar things. [Ah, the power of reruns to heal.]

I need to spend some time on Gary. We had a 2 1/2-week romance, and then I left. We knew the entire time that I was leaving, and now, it feels strange to me that we never resolved our "relationship" one way or another.

I left him a voice mail tonight, and ended it with an "I love you." Somehow, that feels like a lie. I did have a very intense moment in bed with him about a week and a half ago: we had just made love (it does feel right calling it that), and I got to thinking about the bad timing of it all. My back was to him, and I almost started to cry.

But more and more, Gary is feeling like unfinished business, tying me to Santa Barbara in a way that I don't want. I began to feel this way before I left...

[I'll have to continue this later.]

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