10/8/96 - Pity party

10/8/96 - Rafe's apt., Lower Haight, S.F.

Maybe writing it out will help. Quite down tonight, truly homesick for the first time. Homesick for Santa Barbara, for a life that, while it wasn't particularly fulfilling was at least under some semblance of control. I'm having trouble finding a place to live (no surprise, but it's stressful), I'm worried that the health agency will check my resume, this apartment is too small for me to keep staying here much longer, and I'm lonely. [Waaahh waaahh.]

Yes, my friends have been truly good to me. But I miss...I don't know who. Love, I guess, but not Gary, somehow, and definitely not Ben. I don't know if I'd feel this way if other aspects of my life were more together, but since they aren't, I'm yearning for someone to take care of me.

It's probably just unwillingness to cope. I get dependent real easily. That was a big problem with Ben, and I could see myself doing that with Gary: he's such a go-getter. But, I am realizing more and more that I don't Love Gary, and I'm feeling guilty (on top of everything else) for leading him on.

So, I have to cope. And no one said this would be easy.

[Unfortunately, there are several almost identical entries to this one in this new journal. When the bathos threatens to overwhelm, I'll most likely edit it out. Just insert this one, and you'll get the idea.]

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