7/14/97 - Up All Night

7/14/97 (or the last bits of 7/13) - 1478 Jax

Anyway, it's late and I can't sleep. I doubt if it's the after-effects of the crystal, since I slept fine last night. No, it's lookin' like this particular middle-of-the-night stress attack is nonchemical in origin.

It's happening all over again. I'm doing nothing, NOTHING, with my life, I'm back in a relationship with someone with whom all I seem to do is eat, drink, and sit around. It would be way too easy to blame John, but I know I can't.

[Ah, here we go again. I'm gonna skip the next couple of paragraphs. The only new factor is John, and I did indeed blame him, off and on, for my/our inertia for quite a few months. That trap is so easy to fall into, yet when I have gotten off my ass and done this or that to fulfil any creative impulse, John's been quite supportive.]

[However, I think stuff about our relationship qua relationship is new material, so...]

And, I am having doubts about my relationship with John. We came too far, too fast. I dread, dread, DREAD becoming that FAT, lazy, bored person who felt the need to go out and cheat on Ben. I haven't [power]walked in weeks, I fixed one my old-fashioned big meals for John tonight, all the same old patterns. DAMN IT, I moved to S.F. to get a new start, and still the same old crap. [Oh, never mind. It's all about me, me, me. Still.]

Arrgh! This diary is going to be difficult to read in the future, not only because of the constant need to flip it [ring binders and left handers], but because of the monotony of one angst-ridden entry after another. I'd like to focus on something else, maybe that'll help me sleep.

Saw "Contact" with John, Rafe, and Antonio yesterday. While they changed a lot from the book, I understood their reasons. It was one of the most intelligent, visionary films I've ever seen. [Not sure I'm quite as enthusiastic after a second viewing. It's still pretty good.] It was intellectual in a way that I loved: smart dialogue, sensible people trying to do exciting, adventurous things reasonably. It wasn't intellectual in the same way that, say, "The Pillow Book" was; not artsy, just smart. (I liked "The Pillow Book", BTW.) Heinleinian, I guess. Yeah, I'd like to see a Heinlein book adapted as well as "Contact" was, so that the author's vision is captured. I doubt it will ever happen. [I still doubt it; "Starship Troopers" sure didn't qualify.]

"Where Hides Sleep?" I guess I should go back and curl up with John. Writing about something that made me happy has helped some. And, of course, I'll be tired in the morning. What else is new?

Oh, yeah, the crystal. Briefly, I tried crystal meth for the first time (last time?) Friday night with John and this sort-of friend of his from Rochester. Didn't get an intense rush, it just kept us awake all night and rendered null any sluggish effects of the alcohol, of which there was plenty. It looks like crystal is an auxiliary drug, rather than an end in itself. Its purpose is to keep you up to experience all the other oh-so-healthy things you're doing to your body. Lovely. Still, chalk it up to experience, I guess. [I'm so thankful crystal isn't part of what my set does. What nasty stuff; I hear so many stories of lives that are ruined by that shit.]

To bed!

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