11/15/97 - Bang And Blame

11/15/97 - 1478 Jax

OK, update time. A month ago, I finally cracked, and John bore the brunt. Something just clicked in my brain, I got really sad, and knew I had to end it with him.

It began on a Saturday morning. We were to help his friend Meredith move a couch from her old place to her new, and for some reason, I said something really insulting. [No, I don't remember what it was, but I can believe it: I have a lovely habit of saving up bile and then letting it out in a noxious, well-chosen insult.] He got really angry, and we were barely speaking when Meredith pulled up in her van.

Being with Meredith forced us to be civil with each other, and in a brief moment alone, we tentatively made up. The sofa move didn't end up happening, so John and Meredith went to lunch, and I went shopping and drinking with Sean and Bram. I spent the afternoon with the certain knowledge that it was curtains for John and me; I just wondered how it would finally happen.

John worked his four-to-midnight shift, and we met up. I'd been cocktailing all day, so while I wasn't messy-drunk, I wasn't sober, either, and all my emotions welled up. I told him I was incredibly dissatisfied, and I didn't blame him, but I jsut wanted out. We sat on a bench at the corner of Hyde and Jackson and I just cried. Somehow, he talked me down, and we ended up sleeping together.

Sunday, John went to little Max's birthday party, angry at me again for something else [no, I don't remember what], and I sat at home and sulked. John called me from there, and we basically broke up over the phone. A second, longer conversation, and we decided to give it a month, and outlined what we needed to fix:

a. John's drinking.

b. Our lack of physical fitness.

c. My financial irresponsibility.

d. Our sexual rut.

e. Our lack of creative outlet/output.

f. More time alone

We said we'd give it to our 7-month anniversary (Nov. 23), and if it didn't work out, it'd be over.

Well, we're almost done, how does it look? I think we've spent this month putting some effort into this. We joined the gym at John's work, and have both begun to swim regularly. I don't think we're drinking any less, but John's only been drunk in front of me once, and that was a mistake on my part:

Stewart arrived in S.F. on Halloween and is staying with John. The three of us were bored, hanging out at John's, trying to think of something to do. For lack of anything else, we went barhopping. I was not into it, and after a couple, I decided to go read at A Different Light, and sent John and Sterwart on their way. After a bit, I thought I'd stop by Martuni's to see if Sean was still there. He was, as were John and Stewart.

To my trained eye, John was well on his way to being soused, and I decided to throw a fit. We had words outside the bar, and I left.

Well, somehow it turns out that I was in the wrong. I knew there was good chance John would be there, drinking "because you'd gone home," and I went to Martuni's anyway. Sean even told me I picked the wrong time and place. I ended up apologizing to John, even though I still believe that if he were truly committed to cutting his drinking, it wouldn't matter if I were there or not.

My finances are in their usual muddle. I got so behind on bills that I can't even make a budget now that I'm again gainfully employed. I interviewed at [a commercial real estate management company] for what I hoped would be a much higher paying customer service job, but it's been a week and a half, and Josh hasn't called me back. I'm going to call Bram today to see whether he thinks there's any hope. [Bram worked in commercial real estate, and recommended me for this job at a call center. I got it, eventually, and by stages, have ended up at the job I still occupy.]

Apparently John had made some creative progress, doing some writing. He shared with me some of his lyrics, and he has a real talent for a lovelorn pop song. I don't know if he can sing, but he can write the words. My creative torpor continues.

So, what will we do? Stay together, I guess. He's sweet,and I do care about him. I've come to understand that a big part of my dissatisfaction with us is dissatisfaction with myself. John truly believes that together, we can be creative and try to fend off each other's bad habits. god knows I haven't done it alone, so let's give it a try.

[And try we did, and continue to do so. It's really too bad that I only chose to write about the bad times, because there have been so many good ones.]

[Cocktailing: the fine art of drinking all day with friends, preferably at many venues. To be successful, it must be done so that you aren't completely tanked at any one time. It's a difficult balance to maintain. And yes, I see the contradiction between such an activity and being annoyed at John's drunkenness.]

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