12/4/97 - Quien es mas cool?

12/4/97 - The 42 Muni bus, northbound on Van Ness

Strange feelings tonight after an evening with Sean and Tom. Sean's new boyfriend is a me I might've been. He has shelves of Tolkien, many textbooks, and loads of alternative CD's and tapes I've only ever read about in the Trouser Press Guide.

At home, later

The pen running out on the bus, getting home, taking out the recycling, and just spending some time with my own rather cool book and CD collection have dissipated some of the envy I was feeling on the trip home. I ws having a bout of not feeling cool enough. Tom's obviously academic-smart, cute, and has the kind of taste in music I used to think I could acquire if I read enough and hung out at the right places with the right people.

It was a real grass-is-greener funk. John is into dance pop, so right now, I am too. I can remember when I would've been horrified to admit that Belinda Carlisle was the first rock concert I ever attended, and the other night, John and I actually sat and watched the video from that same tour. [He'd picked it up used at Amoeba Records. "Oooo, baby, do you know what's that's worth/Oooo, heaven is a place on Earth..."]

I guess I dredged up some ugly feelings of inferiority and envy. Part of me sees John as unattractive, shallow, queeny, and unintellectual, all things Tom is not. BUT...Tom is just not...fabulous. John is.

I just felt caught between two worlds, the cool, alternative, intellectual, straight-acting world of Tom, and the fun, freaky, trendy world of John. I felt like a cross between the two, felt like I was supposed to make a choice, but am instead the eternal dillettante.

I catch myself wondering all the time where I went wrong, and realize I haven't. Everything I've done, the choices I've made, and continue to make, are lessons, experiences. I need to feel better about who I am, how the paths I've taken all add up to...something not so bad.

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