3/15/98 - Thorn In My Side, Pt. 3

3/15/98 - 1478 Jax

What am I doing this wide-awake on a Sunday? Possibly living healthier?

So I did it. During that talk, I told John that I needed out. He stormed home in a cab, but called me later, and (several drunken hang-ups later), convinced me to spend the night at his place.

After only a couple of hours of sleep (there wasn't a lot of night left), we woke up gradually and talked some. The fact that I'd seen Kyle again came out. John flipped again and threw me out of his apartment. After Kyle gave me his phone number at the Eagle, it seems I told John I'd call Kyle to say "sorry, no thanks." I didn't, and lied to John about it. I had a long, unwashed ride home on the 49 Van Ness/Mission bus, thinking, "Well, that's done, I'm free."

Not so fast. The next week was an endless stream of ignore - call in emotional turmoil - maybe we can still be friends (or friends who fuck?!) - can I borrow $40? - and more mournful glances and unfinished business. And two overnighters at Kyle's, the second of which convinced me that he wasn't The One after all. [Quick aside: what turned me off him, with all his good points? His lack of imagination and irony, but mostly, the fact that he was actively husband-hunting. In some ways, I felt like a "spouse template" on which he impressed all his hopes and dreams for matrimonial bliss. Needless to say, that's the last place I needed to be at that time.]

So, John and I met. And met again. And he convinced me to give it another try. It'll be different, he said. [I'm loving this soap opera dialogue.] I'll give you your space. We'll explore sex with others. We'll encourage each other creatively. And I agreed.

And how do I really feel? I don't think it's gonna happen. There's a sexual component missing, he just doesn't excite me that much anymore. And I don't have the faith that another person can push you into fulfilling yourself. It's something you have to do on your own, and I'm light-years away. And until I fell a little (or a lot) more satisfied with the way I'm living my life, I have serious doubts about my ability to be intimate.

So, why did I agree to this? Well, the day John proposed it, I'd just spent a night at Kyle's, and realized he and I didn't have nearly as much in common as I'd thought. John and I do have more in common: we can talk about music and pop culture, and we have ten (almost eleven) months of shared experience and in-jokes. [That's a part of relationships you rarely see written about: the shorthand language you and a long-term partner use to speak with each other. It can be as comforting as a security blanket. And as limiting, I suppose.] And there was an awkwardness with Kyle which was...well, awkward. We were always going out of our way to be sure the other's feelings weren't hurt.

And, there's the Madonna quote: "You've had more fun with me that anyone else...and you know it." Is his life-of-the-party attitude and an amazing ability to cuddle enough?

And there was a large dollop of guilt. Might as well admit it. Although we'd been snapping at each other for weeks, my dumping him came as a shock to him. He told me he didn't eat, didn't sleep for days. So I figure, if nothing else, this month will give him time to get used to the idea of our not being a couple in the future. [What was I smoking?! What kind of manipulative game is that: say you'll give a relationship 30 days to turn itself around, while plotting to end it anyway?!]

Thing is, I do want him in my life. All of the "fun stuff" is still important to me. But I truly think we'd be better off as friends.

[Another hard entry to read and annotate. Needless to say, John and I are still together in December 2000. Some of the issues I've been outlining have not gone away. Almost all have improved to a certain extent, though I'm not sure to what extent we've just become inured to each other's problems, and even enable them to our own ends. We moved in together the following September, and still live together. There are joyous days, there are rotten ones. This truly ends the journal entries from those days. Now I have to face life now and start writing about it. Wish me luck!]

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