No Right To Feel

[Rarely have what I've known about myself and what I've felt been more divided. I know I'm not actually a loser who can't make professional, romantic, spiritual, or familial progress because of his lack of talent or will. I know I've accomplished good things, things to be proud of. I know I'm not bad looking, and can be good and empathetic company.]

[Why, then, was I walking home from BART last night in tears again, avoiding strangers' eye contact, feeling the exact opposite? Forgive yourself, yet another friend told me last night in sincere concern. Put yourself out there. You're really smart, and there's nothing standing in your way but yourself.]

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[I don't have cable TV, and S.F. is one of those places where receiving broadcast TV without much antenna is hit or miss, so I don't watch much. It's hard sometimes not being able to get into water-cooler discussions about the show of the moment, but mostly I don't miss it.]

[Back when John and I did have cable, we were fans of all the big HBO shows of the late 90s/early 00s. Thanks to Allen and Sean's hospitalities, I've managed to catch all three episodes of the new season of Six Feet Under, which I hadn't seen in a couple of years. I'd always liked its dark outlook, the excellent acting and writing.]

[Now I'm finding it hard to watch. Several of the storylines are dealing with mental illness, and how loved ones cope or don't cope. Especially the older characters Ruth and George, and how his illness is destroying her good nature. It rings way too true, and hits too close. Commitment, if it means anything, means sticking around during the worst times. Sickness is sickness, whether it's physical or mental. But sometimes another's illness will make you sick, too, and you have to make a really terrible choice.]

[So...yeah. That might be part of the reason I was in tears on the way home. Let it go, you say and so do I. But I'm not, even though I know I must. If I don't, the illness will have won anyway, and the whole wrenching experience really will have been for nothing.]

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[Also...intimacy. As things get more intimate on one front but don't, can't I guess, on another, my fragile self-assurance about what I thought I'd exorcised crumbles.]

[Also...jobs and money. The previous entry tells about that. I don't know what I'm doing.]

[Also...also...also...I'm mad at myself for having the nerve to be depressed. My parents are alive, married, healthy, comfortable, and love me. My sister and brother-in-law are all those, and there's a niece on the way. My friends...I'm so damned grateful. I'm doing OK physically for the first time in almost a year, no ailments major or minor. I have no right to feel this way.]

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